Monday, July 16, 2007

Far Side Hints of Comeback

It has nothing to do with Christmas, there are no guest stars, and the Far Side is not yet greying, nor married to some gold-digger from Toowoomba.

But, alas, the Far Side is still making a comeback.

We promise that if things don't go well between us, we won't keep hammering it away anyway like Rod Stewart does. Songbook VI?? When will he die?

We'll do a quick Johnny Cash kinda thing with Rick Rubin, and then slip away quietly. We're not even gonna consider country, like Van Morrison. Although just to keep things open, we aren't denying any hoedowns in the future.

Beginning, well, it's already begun...

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Kebab Stick Retires after Spinner of a Career

The world's oldest living kebab stick retired today after what has been a 75 year career.

The kebab stick was lamb; though had often contained segments of beef, chicken, turkey, and camel.

Local kebab shop-owner, Ali Baba, told the Far Side that his own chicken stick had been spinning for at least 45 years.

He had first purchased it from a retired pawnshop owner, and was amazed to hear of the worthy career of the lamb stick.

'It's been a tough handful of years, but it's worth it', said the lamb stick.

Experts suggest that the Lamb stick may have appeared as pictured (above) over 75 years ago.

If I wasn't already highly illegal, I reckon I'd do it all again', he admitted to the Far Side.

The lamb stick is fluent in Turkish, Portugese, and Hebrew.

He will live out his days 'making a few carny and fete appearances' he stated.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Bin Ladin Terrorises Stains in Advertising Deal

Osama Bin Ladin; film-maker, cave-dweller, and moreso; terrorist, announced today that he will be the new spokesman for industrial stain remover, 'Napisan Plus'.

'When you make a lot of films like me, you need to keep your image up', Osama told the Far Side.

'Napisan is the only thing I trust to get all the stains out of my turban.'

The marketing deal comes after Osama released another internet-film detailing his dismal forecast for the US last week.

Although; Osama didn't think his bad press in the US and Australia would challenge the sales response.

'Americans have been doing sales with terrorists for years; Saddam back in the eighties, and McDonalds even now.'

'If they watch shows like the OC, eat themselves to death on KFC's chicken/rabbit/camel pieces, and idolise people like Paris Hilton, I don't see why they won't be buy my ads', told Osama.

'I think plenty of American soldiers will be happy to finally find a stain remover that washes blood straight out!' added the terrorist.

The above is entirely fictional and represents no view held by the Far Side of the Other Side or any other free-thinking, anti-capitalist counterpart.

Ten Things The Far Side Doesn't So Much Like Today

I. Arty-uni types who use words like 'subjective' and 'theoretically' or say 'let me digress' and wear Che Guevara shirts.
II. Anybody who doubts that if we all listened to the 'Kings Of Convenience' we'd be happier.

III. Kids who try to make you spell that massive word from that movie ('Supercalafragafuckinlicious...' Bah!) or sing that 'I know you are you said you are' song.
IV. PeOpLe wH0 HaVe MsN NaMeS LiKe ThIs.
V. Bands who think they're retro or old-school though can't even name any 60's band. No, sorry; Jet does not stand up to AC/DC; The Darkness are a mere caricature of Queen.
VI.New hippies who whinge about 'freedom of speech' and spell women as 'womyn'. Not like old hippies; they were alright, these are like neo-hippies. See: I.
VII. People who say 'Led Zeppelin; yea, I know that guy - he's alright'
VIII. Anybody doing a doctorate at University that isn't associated with medicine: Doctors of Nokia mobile phones, Doctors of 1960's waterpolo history, Doctors of the culture of bus-stop conversations.
IX. Absolutely anyone who purchased anything to do with 'Crazy Frog'. Why trust anything that lives both IN and OUT of water and is convinced they are riding an invisible motorbike. Why trust any musician who releases a Christmas album?
X. Cyclists. If you took up a whole lane (and there wasn't enough space on the side for a bike), travelled 80kms, and had four wheels at least; then you would the same rights as a motorist.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Headline of the Week: Rogue Sunglasses Linked to Howard

John Howard has been linked to the Rogue Sunglasses that have been terrorising the public world over the last fortnight.

Officials are unsure whether he is a Ray Charles fan or he is attempting to impersonate 'Louie the Fly.'

Since the Far Side's original ground-breaking article on the matter, many other photos and pictures involving the sunglasses have surfaced.

Left: Like many of the previous pictures, this female appears somewhat captivated by the sunglasses.

Many believe the glasses have hypnotic qualities and induce the subject into smiling fits.

Experts report that even John Howard is forcing as much of a smile as possible through his beak-like mouth.

The suspicious circumstances surrounding the sunglasses and the possible link to Al-Qaeda are currently being investigated.

14 Grams: Olsen Twins Weigh-in in Australia

After arriving at Sydney airport flanked by bodyguards and looking respectably uninterested, billionaire twin, Mary-Kate Olsen stopped for a rest on the pictured park bench.

'She then almost snapped her chicken wing arms as she fell through the slots in the bench,' a Sydney Doctor told the Far Side.

The accident comes only weeks after Olsen was mistaken for a quail and almost 'peppered' by Dick Cheney.

Her twin, Ashley Olsen, arrived looking much like a possum in leather and denim.

The twins are launching their Big W range of clothes aimed at 'tweens'.

The designs were hand-picked by the twins and sized to fit 6 to 12 year olds; or pocket sized 19 year olds.

Ashley told media: 'We are trying to do something affordable for parents who have kids that are still growing.'

Unlike the twins; who are destined to wear the 'tweens' range for the rest of their lives.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Worm Welcome for Hilton Look-alike

The DPA reported today that Doctors in Central Serbia have removed an 11cm worm from a woman's eye socket.

Early tests suggest the worm taken from the 37-year-old patient belongs to the Ascaris family; a common intestinal parasite in pigs that is also found in humans.

The worm was quickly purchased by television program, Entertainment Tonight.

The program's director was amazed by the worm's resemblance to Paris Hilton, and plans to display the worm in their Hall of Fame.

The worm is to live in the pictured patch of grass until a suitable host if found.

The pig who played Babe is being considered, as is Ray Martin's combover.

Four Quails and a Lawyer - Cheney's War on Feathers

In a hunting accident earlier this week, American Vice-President Dick Cheney accidentally shot 78 year old lawyer, Harry Whittington.

Cheney did not report the incident for 24 hours until it was leaked to a local paper by a ranch owner.

'I'm the guy who pulled the trigger that fired the round that hit Harry,' the Vice-President later said in a television interview.

'My dad picks the fruit, that goes to Cottee's, to make the cordial, that I like best,' Cheney also added.

The White House was quick to tell media that Whittington was in 'high spirits' and recovering quickly; however sources announced yesterday that the victim had suffered a mild heart attack following the incident.

While the public was at first disappointed the victim was not President Bush, many were relieved it was just a lawyer, and not a citizen.

Sources concur that Cheney believed Whittington may have been an escaped 'Biggest Loser' competitor and fired the shots to protect himself.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Heavy Pockets: Man Steals Many, Many Coins

Police have seized $100 000 in minted two dollars coins following the arrest of a Canberra man.

The man worked for the Royal Australian Mint and had allegedly stolen $500-700 a week in two dollars coins.

The AAP reported that the man had smuggled the coins out in his lunchbox and workboots.

Police were first alerted when the man had attempted to buy numerous items from a two dollar shop with a large amount of coins.

He was then followed as he placed hundreds of 'dollar-each-way' bets at the TAB.

The man was later arrested whilst trying to purchase $75 000 worth of bricks and cement at a Canberra trade outlet.

His initial plan was to build a house with the coins, Police told the Far Side.

He later realised a house made of two dollar coins may be suspicious, and decided to purchase construction materials instead.

The man is to appear in court today and may face up to ten years jail.

Quote of the Month: Bat and Ball Mystery Unraveled

hammerondaridiculous writes:

'Think about it, one bloke throws the ball to another bloke, who doesn't want the ball, so he hits it with a stick!

Then a bloke out in the paddock goes 'hey what's that?' and catches it. Realising that he doesn't want the ball either, he throws it back in the general direction it came from.

In the meantime, the bloke who hit the ball with a stick, and his mate, are running up and down trying to avoid getting hit by the incoming ball.

Then one of the other blokes standing around at either end go "hey, what's that?" and catch the damn ball again!!! Realising quickly that they don't want the ball, they vary things slighly by throwing the ball at some sticks???? (they must be spares)

Then a man who gets paid to adjudicate all this, decides who stays, who goes, and who gets the ball next, and they start all over again. The lucky ones who go, get to go back to the stand and drink beer!

Meanwhile the stands are full of people who also don't want the ball, but seem to want do pay money to dress silly, shout stupid things, while drinking crap overpriced beer in plastic cups.

At home, people who want to drink decent beer out of glasses, while also avoiding the risk of coming into contact with the ball, have actually convinced a whole lot of other people to point cameras at the balls, the sticks, the blokes, the drinkers in the stands etc... and broadcast this so they can sit on the couch.

Amazingly, this pointless game has taken off to the point that people from other countries fly around the world to play against each other ...

Beats war I guess.'

Deftly taken from The Chaser.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Headline of the Week: Denim Receives Holy Approval

Far Side Strikes up eBay Controversy

After ongoing demands, the Far Side of the Other Side has decided to auction the right to become a Far Side recruit.

The auction, hosted on eBay, had reached $5.50 at time of writing.

The highest bidder was 'buckyboy69.'

Other members to the site describe him as 'a great ebayer - no trouble at all.'

Also in contention has been popular ebayer katejean0001.

Analysts believe that with under two hours before last bid, the auction will reach close to one hundred thousand dollars.

At least.

It has been dubbed by many as the most talked about eBay auction since rjones31 sold his wife to the highest bidder back in '98.

The Far Side of the Other Side welcomes the new recruit in advance and urges that a straight face is needed for the website.

Any ebayer with a sense of humour should not bid.